drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
