when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
