fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
