Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
