guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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