I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
