I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My first STD was from a foam party
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
