dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
