I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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