Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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