I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
