I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
