hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
