god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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