we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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