is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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