Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
