I'm sorry my penis didn't work
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
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