I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
