Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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