the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
