didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
