Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
