Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
