Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
