On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
