So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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