Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
