There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
