I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pants are for mortals
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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