last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
