wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
