I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
