and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
