Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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