you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
