dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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