Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
