im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
