miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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