Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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