genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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