drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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