Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
