At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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