Don't make out with my wife yet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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