dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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