im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
