I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
