I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
