I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
