At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
