I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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