shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
