Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
