i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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