Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
