Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
