Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
