Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
